Guilt

So it’s late (for me). I’m awake when I should be sleeping… not an uncommon thing. Y’all have been great. Thanks for commenting and emailing me. I’ve enjoyed it all… the good and the not so good. I haven’t had as much time as I’d like to have for writing even though I think it’s is a pain in the ass. Putting my emotions, thoughts, etc. on “paper” makes me come to grips with the reality that is my life. What gets me through that wall is music. Lately, I’ve been addicted to Christina Aguilera’s latest album Bionic. It’s blaring in my ears and getting me in the mood to pour out more of myself.

“Guilt is a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes—accurately or not—that he or she has violated a moral standard, and bears significant responsibility for that violation.”

Guilt. I have it. I feel guilty about many things.

… not being the ideal, “normal” wife …having a D/s relationship …going outside the marriage to get my D/s needs met …not being able to see my husband as my Dom … being tired and not wanting to talk to my husband …wishing my husband wouldn’t be so damn clingy …getting way too much enjoyment out of submitting …being too honest with myself and others…

the list goes on and on

How do you resolve the guilt you feel inside? Can it be resolved? Do you just live with it? Accept it for the emotion that guilt is?

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I asked, “What changed in your head this week?”

After all the drama this week, I asked hubby, “What changed in his head this week? How did he finally become accepting of our arrangement?” Here’s his response….

So what changed in my head this last week?  At first I was really confused.  I was not certain about the things that you talked about and it finally got me going crazy.  Our sex life has been pretty vanilla these last couple years.  I definitely was not getting as much as I wanted and you were not getting the type of action that you want.  To me, now it seemed that you gain all this vibrancy and life and now you were spending time with another when I just spent two years trying to get you to that point with no success.

When i asked to be the Dom (a term that i am only now getting some understand) you rejected me.  That really hurt.  it made me feel powerless. I spent hours rationalizing how we could approach these issues by other means.  Now i understand better how my lack of faith, trust and honesty would have made me a bad Dom.  I see now how this experience is helping you and I couldn’t let my ego hurt the chance for you to get good.  I have placed my trust in you and your relation with your Dom.

In the end though, I really want a fun and healthy wife and lover.  To this end I recognize that I too have to change.  I have opened myself to you so we can understand each other better.  I am so sad it took this long for me to inquire on how you like your hair pulled, an act that I knew for years that you enjoyed. 

In the end it’s the fact that I get such excitement when you tell me you love me, I will never tire from hearing that.

What do you think of hubby’s response? Can you understand his feelings? Why he was going so crazy with worry and fear? What would you have done throughout this difficult week?

 

It’s been a long, strange, stressful week.

My husband went into panic mode. He couldn’t eat or sleep. He was physically sick because he couldn’t bear the thought of me having sex with another man. He told me he’d throw out all his porn ….never talk about his fantasy of having two women ….if it meant he could have me exclusively. I told him (1) destroying the porn & fantasy would be destroying a part of him which I do not wish to do and (2) having Sir in my life would make the fantasy more of a possibility to cross into reality.

This has made hubby think. Delve deep inside himself. He’s admitted to me some of his fears. He has anxieties and problems but he’s never allowed me to see them. He has a bad relationship with his parents and he put up a wall so big that I couldn’t even approach the subject with him…. He would shut down emotionally. Things he was hiding from me …he’s now telling me about. Sheesh! If I knew this would be the result, I should have asked for a Dom sooner! LOL 😉

He is still going to let me play. Woo hoo! Crisis averted! It took days of communicating and negotiating. He didn’t trust me. I told him that I love him …that he was not to blame for me wanting to have a Dom. (He thought he should satisfy me in every way… be all things to me.) He couldn’t separate out sex and love. With me, my relationship with Sir, it’s not about the sex. Sure, sex happens …but it’s not the driving force of the relationship. Yes, I will make some time to write about it later. 🙂

So now hubby wants to explore. I am willing and so happy to do that.

hubby: God i want u so badly
me: seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee???????  not so bad is it? you’re reaping the benefits.
hubby:  I know i am getting the benefits just how i understood the process really scared me for awhile

It’s a process indeed!

a heart to heart talk with hubby

My husband is in the National Guard and currently on deployment. We’ve talked about having sex with other people while we are separated. I’ve given him permission to have sex with whomever he wants as long as he’s being safe. He’s given me permission to do the same.

I’ve been talking to that old playmate, J, and Hubby’s worried. Hubby’s feeling insecure in our marriage. He thinks if he was here he’d feel better. If he was here he’d see it for himself? Know I’m not going anywhere, not leaving him? I asked Hubby if he wanted to go back on his decision to let me have sex while he was gone. He said no.

I told Hubby what was going on. That the reason I was talking to J was because he understands what Hubby is going through. J is also in the National Guard and has been on deployment with a significant other back in the states. J gives me that perspective of it’s like to be away from loved ones…confined to a base…not being able to get away…working 7 days a week. Of course J loves pushing my buttons but we both know nothing is going to come from it. So I explained to Hubby, for what seemed like the millionth time, no matter how hard or how much I try… I just can’t see him spanking, flogging, throat fucking, tying me up, etc. Hubby isn’t interested in BDSM …doesn’t get excited by the pain, the control… and here I am getting wet by just writing and thinking about it. I’ve had these BDSM desires for years. Hubby knew about my history before we got married. We tried to make it work.

Anyways… Hubby knows now for certain that I’m getting my kinks satisfied. I think it’ll make me a better wife/lover and improve our marriage. If he wants to know the nitty gritty details all he has to do is ask. I reminded him that I love him more than any other person on the planet. Nothing’s going to change that.

Rules of Engagement

I was talking to a good friend (yes, he was a previous playmate of mine) and we got on the subject of playing with another Dom’s sub. Do you go to the Dom and ask Him if you can play with His sub or do you go to the sub and ask her to play?

My friend’s view is that you go to the sub since it’s a consensual relationship between the two people involved. It has nothing to do with the Dom.

My Dom told me his opinion. A Dominant doesn’t ever go after a submissive that is “under consideration to”, “belongs to”, or “owned by” another Dominant. If you’re interested in a sub, you speak to her/his Dominant about her/him.

Then I got an email in CM…
“It is dishonorable for a Dom to knowingly play or even interact sexually with another Dom’s sub. I’m not looking for friends. I’m looking for subs who like and enjoy being used hard. Pain is what I enjoy doling out. I’m looking for a three hole slut to enjoy weekly. I’ll contact your Dom to see if he feels like sharing.”

And my Dom got an email…
“I’m interested in playing with a sub who claims to be yours, Zarya.  Will you allow her to play with others? Please let me know.”

To which my Dom responded with…
“No. She’s special and will not be shared. Now or ever. But thank you for your respectful inquiry. Best of Luck”.

It was kinda weird that I wasn’t even consulted regarding the transaction. I understand that I am His property in that regard… but I’m still getting used to this whole protocol and procedures thing. Anyways, it turned out well.   I loved His response.    …..such an “Awwwwwwwwwwwwww” moment….

June 17th til now

He had to go out of town on business. Then last week He worked 20 hour work days. Two weeks passed. We did a lot of texting and emailing. I think the time away helped. I did have “clingy” issues. He was able to sense that and put contact restrictions in place. I focused on the fact I was there for Him…for His pleasure.

One day last week I got to see Him at a coffee shop for a brief chat. It was really good to see Him. Then He took His fucktoy for a drive, wound it up, then let it go home.

6/15/2010 & 6/16/2010

During a session tonight something happened. What we were working on got pushed too hard. One minute everything was fine…. the next my mind shut down. Yes, I do have a safe word. My mind was so shut down and in self preservation mode that I couldn’t even think to use it. At some point He noticed the change in me, took me to the bed, and held me tight. I cried and then we talked.  I felt bad because I had “ruined” the scene and ended the playtime. He told me that I didn’t ruin anything …that there would be times this would happen.

I text him at 4:45 am next morning because I woke myself up screaming from a nightmare. I know it had something to do with last night’s session. He had me come over to talk about it. I ended up staying the night. No playtime at all. Just being comforted and cared for by Him.

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